As I Sojourn

missing you

2009-04-03T10:30:00.000-07:00

Lately, i've been reminiscing more and more of the way things used to be with You. I miss the days I was on my knees before you. I miss listening to your word and finding great joy in following it. Remember when I took time with you each morning and you fed me with your truth? My relationships were deepened and you were so present to me. I hate being in darkness, so Lord today i beg and plead that you bring me to the light. Make me humble, bring me into your arms and most of all make my paths straight. I used to ask for suffering, since I thought my faith in you to be so strong...now I lead "LORD have mercy on me a sinner". I can't bear how I hurt you and with that how I hurt others. I will rest and hope in the fact that your mercy is so great. Your grace is enough. Give me a clean heart and new mind.
your servant

quiet

2008-06-28T20:13:00.000-07:00

things are quiet. i think that i need to listen more and listen better. pray for me.
i was reminded the other day of the parable of the sower...and i think i have let the weeds crowd my life. I agree with my roommate's statement "i am a seed that desires good soil". To be in the world, but not of it. There are so many sinful things that i desire before i desire God and the things of his heart. When i think about what i actually want, it is clear that i desire the things of God. I have traded them for the things of man...fleshly things. Why can't i see and believe that the Lord wants only what is best for me. He is a good God , and whenever i have put my full trust in Him has never let me down. I need faith. Pray for me.

the cry of the Dalit.

2008-01-29T11:27:00.000-08:00

I am thinking and praying for you today.

Emancipate.

Dalit Hymn

Sing from the village, sing from the town
(Sub kooch ho sak-ee dey)
Sing everyone who has been cast down
(Sub kooch ho sak-ee dey)
Emancipate, emancipate, Prime Minister, emancipate
Emancipate, emancipate, Prime Minister, emancipate

Sweeping, weaving, tilling the Earth
(Sub kooch ho sak-ee dey)
Show me the man to deny our worth
(Sub kooch ho sak-ee dey)
Free the Dalit, free the Dalit, Prime Minister, free the Dalit
Free the Dalit, free the Dalit, Prime Minister, free the Dalit

Sub kooch ho sak-ee dey
Sub kooch ho sak-ee dey
Sub kooch ho sak-ee dey
Skin of the buffalo declared unclean
(Sub kooch ho sak-ee dey)
Heed Ambedkar, heed Ambedkar, Prime Minister, heed Ambedkar
Heed Ambedkar, heed Ambedkar, Prime Minister, heed Ambedkar

God made every man forward and free
(Sub kooch ho sak-ee dey)
Rich man, poor man, every man free
(Sub kooch ho sak-ee dey)
Politically, socially, everybody free
(Sub kooch ho sak-ee dey)
Rich man, poor man, everybody free
(Sub kooch ho sak-ee dey)
Caste is a lie, caste is a lie, Prime Minister, caste is a lie
Caste is a lie, caste is a lie, Prime Minister, caste is a lie

Emancipate, emancipate, Prime Minister, emancipate
Free the Dalit, free the Dalit, Prime Minister, free the Dalit
Heed Ambedkar, heed Ambedkar, Prime Minister, heed Ambedkar
Caste is a lie, caste is a lie, Prime Minister, caste is a lie

Sub kooch ho sak-ee dey
Sub kooch ho sak-ee dey
Sub kooch ho sak-ee dey
Sub kooch ho sak-ee dey

Kingdom come

2008-01-20T18:38:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry for my writing. Most of you know it's not my strong suit, but i thought i'd get this off my chest and send it off into the abyss... to you, and to my Father.

I need help figuring all this out. What does it mean when we ask for the Kingdom to come? I know that in praying that prayer we are asking that God do something big... and I assume it's through His people. I want to be a part of it, and i believe i am. So here is the big question... what part?
Some people i know have had their purpose written on their heart, almost since day one of being re-born. When i say this i don't mean like a generic "love God and serve Him" purpose (which is at the heart of it all), but i mean a real specific purpose for their life. I sometimes sit in class and ponder this.
I felt a tug toward social work for a few reasons; 1. Good friends told me it would be a good place for me. 2. I love people 3. I am a child of God, and I believe God loves people more than I love people...and I could be a vessel for that love. I believe number three the most! But to be completely candid, i am starting to wonder if what i am doing is what God has designed me for.

In class, they tell us that we will have to seperate our personal beliefs from our professional ones... and i can't. I try and imagine the scenarios, and again and again, I cannot swallow the idea that when people who are beat up, cast down, and desperate for answers come to me...I am supposed to turn them to programs, or self help groups. If i did this i would be lying, cheating and denying them the real hope. Hope in Christ.
What can i do...? leave it up to everyone else? Give up? Lie?
I have always felt that God wants His people permeating the world, every inch of it... and giving Him all the glory.I feel like Christians should be doing whatever it is that they are doing with all their might. Whether they sweep streets or they change laws or they counsel those in need. I believe that through this.. God..will change the world and His kingdom will come.
But i'm still left with How?

2008-01-16T11:45:00.000-08:00

So there I sat praying. I had no words.
Everything that I thought to say sounded cheesy.
Guilt overwhelmed her, and all i could do was hold her. I prayed for Him to comfort her, but sometimes He calls us to answer our own prayers.
I have never experienced what she did, how could I attempt to understand her? So I prayed.
God fully understands.
How can you convince someone that they are forgiven,clean, and beautiful in God's sight. The shame she felt was overwhelming. Her eyes for a brief second looked into mine, until she looked away and let out tears once again. There seems no end to them. Losing hope. How easily we forget God's grace.
"i never thought i would need it"
So I prayed.

Sanctification

2008-01-08T10:19:00.000-08:00

so here i sit in between.
well actually,i should hope im not sitting, because this is active.

between 2 awesomes. Justification and Glorification.
after being saved by faith and before His kingdom fully comes.
that's where i am. Working it out. Paul says to work out our salvation with fear and trembling.
it's work indeed...to be like Christ. but it is beautiful.
those few shining moments when the people of God work it out...miracles happen.
today i pray for miracles.

thinking of You

2007-12-11T19:37:00.000-08:00

Studying forces me to question what on earth i am doing with this life i have been given. Tonight i choose to trust that God knows, and the reason i don't is because He wants me to follow Him closely until i reach that corner and there it is right in front of me. hmmm... what a journey!
this is my favourite song and has become my prayer:

I want it all
Shane and Shane

Use me,
break me,
waste me on You, Lord.
Ruin me, take me, waste me on You.

For to die is to live,
to starve is to feast and less of me is more of Jesus.
Lord i want it all, Lord i want it all
If i lose my life i gain everything,
at the cross away with all death's sting.
Lord i want it all, Lord i want it all.

Use me, break me, waste me on you, Lord
Ruin me, take me, waste me on You.
to starve is to feast and less of me is more of Jesus.
Lord i want it all, Lord i want it all.

If i lose my life i gain everything
at the cross away with all death's sting
Lord i want it all, Lord i want it all.

There is power in the blood, there is victory in Jesus.
Come in power wash me clean
overwhelm me with Your presence.
There is power in the blood, there is victory in Jesus
there is glory in the cross,
help me find my gain in loss.

You foolish Galatians!

2007-12-02T15:10:00.000-08:00

Oh how foolish i am!
When I first believed things were so much clearer to me. The Spirit was my guide, and I hardly knew anything of the law... and now the law traps me. How does someone separate themselves from the expectations of what "christianity" is supposed to look like. Maybe the problem is that i am giving my attention to the expectations of the world for what a Christian should be and not paying attention to the Spirit, who lives in me.
Reading in Galatians today, Paul says that if we could be saved by the law then Jesus's death and resurrection were of no value. I know this is old news to many people, but i struggle with understanding and accepting God's grace and my own justification apart from the law. When Paul said this it hit me that in my own mind, and with that my heart I had begun to believe in lies... not the true Gospel (which is exactly what the Galatians were being rebuked for). I had begun to think (never expressing aloud) that maybe God would accept people on the basis of them simply being really good (cuz let's be honest there are some really awesome people out there, who don't belive in saving Grace). But clearly this idea is heretical.
I'm not down playing good works, because we know faith without action is dead. But i think that when my heart is not doing it out of joy and obedience because i have the Spirit living in me, but simply out of duty to earn salvation it is no longer faith in action, it is no longer true worship...it is me...caring only about me... and what i can get...and what i deserve.
So here i am ... yet again i am humbled, again im learning that my faith is so small...but i pray for more ...even if it is only the size of a mustard seed, because i want to be free...free from the law and free to see mountains move!

who i am

2007-11-24T21:35:00.000-08:00

Do you ever feel the need to get closer?
...I do
I feel like i need to reach far, or jump high, or yell loud.
when all i really need is to be
...and let Him be
His Grace is sufficient for me... I think i have come back to this over and over again...when will i learn?
I am a child of God.
I am a member of Christ's body
I am a citizen of heaven
I have been chosen by God
May we all remember who we are in Him today :).

Youth group dilemma.

2007-05-15T13:37:00.001-07:00

I have a pretty big decision to make. This past year the Lord has lead me into youth ministry at my home church and despite the many issues there have been with leadership, i know that's where God has placed me. However i am in the process of registering for fall classes and have discovered that one of the required courses is at the same time as youth froup meets. I don't know what to do. I want the will of God to be the center of this situation, which i think it is, but none of the options seem right.

Pray for me if anyone is reading this.

here's a few photo's of my youth!

i need to go to bed

2007-05-12T21:19:00.000-07:00

it's late and technically the start of mothers day. Just so you know i'm a terrible daughter who has not bought a gift for my mother yet.YIKES!!!!!!
I think these last 3 weeks have really been crazy and im in giant need to prioritize. I need to learn to be a better daughter and sister. I wonder if any one has any tips?
Just so everyone knows ...God has blessed me with the most fantasic mother. Peace seeking, gentle, servant heart... i would say she is practically what God intended a mother to be. Do i have something to live up to or what?
I pray for my mom today that she may learn to love God with all her heart soul mind and strength and experience God's peace.
Went to a seminar on hurting kids. This world is a really messed up place and i don't know how people get through all this stuff without acknowledging Jesus as saviour. I'd be lost.
i want to be used my God to have a powerful ministry to brokenhearted kids. I learned that i will never be adequate... and that is where God will use me best. His strength is made perfect in weakness.
On another note... i went to a bollywood party tonight... fantastic indian food i'd say and wonderful company. I smoked a cigar...my first time...and... probably my last.

....and im back .

2007-05-11T07:36:00.000-07:00

ive decided to make an effort and try to get back into blogging. I'm not much of a writer, more of a talker i'd say. Oh well, the idea of a blog seems nice and since im in a contemplative mood i'll run with it .
This year of nothingness seems to be coming to a close. It takes someone with a lot of faith to come out af a year like this feeling refreshed and renewed in the Lord, needless to say I have little faith. Don't get me wrong, I love God and desire to know him more and more... but this year proved to me that i do not trust him in the little things. I feel like my realtionship with him has become shallow and the depth i thought i once had was based on surroundings. I desire to be like Job and rejoice in suffering... and praise God when times are dry.

2006-10-18T18:06:00.000-07:00

Today God has taught me yet again how important it is to trust in Him. I tend to forget how much God cares about every insignificant part of my life. Here's the story... so i have been looking for a job for the last month and a bit with absolutely no luck . Even though many of the places i have been to have large signs, sometimes in fluorescent colours, advertising "we're hiring" i have had no calls for interviews. Today i was at the end of my rope and on the way when I was going to hand out resumes i prayed "God, if it's your will that i get a job can you please provide me one"... sure enough about 10 minutes later i had a job and then an hour after that i got a call for an interview. God is amazing... i am not...it's as simple as that. I wonder why i hadn't asked him earlier and why i thought God didn't care about a temporary job. Anyways ...God is faithful and as it says in James "you do not have because you do not ask".

Well on another note i am a terrible driver so far. My german instructor is nto impressed. I pray tomorrow goes better than my previous days.

2006-09-26T19:46:00.000-07:00

Well here i am. Bored. What does God want me to do this year? That is the most poignant question in my life right now. I want to keep an eternal perspective and do whatever is best for the Kingdom.
so, here is my prayer for guidance...
Lord, Guide and direct this year. You are sovereign and you know what is best. I trust you with my life.

Anyways...i miss Briercrest fellowship.

2006-09-22T17:33:00.000-07:00

you know how people always talk about how radical and revolutionary Jesus was? Well i am starting to understand this much more. i've been reading an awesome book called "the end of religion" and the author is so simple yet the way he highlights things that I had been leaving in the shadows is incredible. Honestly im learning so much more about Jesus
i recommen it to everyone christian and non christian alike
check it out: www.theendofreligion.org

2006-09-12T19:30:00.000-07:00

First night of youth group tonight... im a leader now... whoa!
two things i was reminded of.
First, boys and girls in high school are totally hormone full and therefore they all seem to be attracted to eachother. It can be pretty entertaining as an outsider watching.
Second, on a more serious note...i was reminded of how awesome youth group is. It is an amazing way for kids to come and just observe...or ask questions. There were some kids there who had never been to church before in their lives and they want to come back! I'm so pumped...no im enthused. God is good all the time!

2006-09-09T09:21:00.000-07:00

Just got back from a few incroyable days with some great friends. Im trying to figure out if i really like Toronto or if i just like the people i see while iam there. I think it's both and that's why i want to move there...ahhh but then reality sets in and i realize ...i am broke.
anyways i had sweet times with Lyds on her "bertday" and met some fantabulous people. The last night i was there we were discussing together how amazing it is when Christians get together and they just connect right away. God's Spirit is amazing... because let's be honest who likes a whole lot of small talk?
okay something crazy last night, so i was taking a cab home from the greyhound station and got talking to the ab driver. He said that he graduated near the top of his class in bio-chemistry...so obviously i ask him why he's driving a cab instead of off in some lab or hospital. He said he just does not care that much. hmmm... i guess i started to think...it doesn't matter what you do or what you degree you have (something i thought about a lot while hanging out at university campuses these past few days)i think that whatever you do do it for the Lord and make sure you are passionate about it because it is God who will give you those desires if we are delighting in him. He is so good.

anyways maybe i'll post again soon...maybe i won't.

2006-05-04T17:02:00.000-07:00

God asks people to do some pretty crazy things...would I be willing to eat food cooked on excrement and lie on my side with the sins of Israel upon me?...Well I might if the Spirit of God practically forced me. To tell you the truth i want and yearn to live radically for God. I want to live in a way that people question why I am the way I am. But i don't want it to simply be a set of rules i follow that would make me a Jew.., but im a Christian and the Spirit lives in me. So why is it that people don't notice the difference...maybe my sin blurs it? Grace... give me Grace.

My dad attempted to dissuade me from India today. There are needs here...why would I want to go to a country where women are not treated right... I need something more than just a "bleeding heart"... they need more than compassion...I can't change the everything so wht's the point...Canada needs people.
I really wish i could diferentiate the truth from lies.I pray God give me discernment.
What does Canada really need...we have a church in every town...pastors...missionaries...radio stations.... Bible in many translations....christian counselling... Christian books...Christian Music... TV evangelists... para Church organizations... conferences... blah blah blah... and it continues. We also have plenty of aid for people who are in need of money...food ...shelter...rehabilitation. Don't get me wrong Canada still needs the kingdom to come but much of the reason it isn't spreading more is because of hardened hearts... which still need to hear... but if they do not listen are we still accountable to them? In Ezekiel it says if someone is sinning and we don't warn themthey will die and we will be accountable for their blood. hmmm... will I be accountable to those overseas who have not heard if i do not make an effort to warn them. I don't know...

Grace... I NEED GRACE.

2006-05-02T19:21:00.000-07:00

I have come to the realisation today that i have become the person who Kata Holdren said I would become.
A few years back i was at my friends place... u know ... chillin out. Her mother liked me ( mothers usually do ;) ) until I opened my big mouth and discouraged her daughter from doing homework saying that she should party instead. I was obviously partially kidding but as a result of that conversation Kata has exed me off her "acceptable friend for her daughter" list. One day she told Karen that "If Sara married Dan ( a good friend of mine) It would never work...all they would do for the rest of their lives is fight over who will flip the burgers that week". HAHAHA..... WELL KATA.... look who is nto in school ...not sure whats happening next year and has an interview at Burger King!....Oh how funny!

p.s. I would NEVER marry Dan. :)

2006-04-22T22:19:00.000-07:00

wow, so im home at last. I had been looking forward to this for a while. I felt God giving me a great peace about this year being my last at Briercrest. Now, im sad. But God is good and i trust Him completely with my future. I don't know what it's going to look like but that makes me draw nearer to Him.
Last night my roommate and I sat up and talked about our favourite memories....cleaned our rooms military style...and wrote in eachother's yearbooks. She is an amazing woman and I pray that God uses her in a mighty way...with Him she is able! but It wasn't until i read her yearbook comment that it finally hit ..."and so ends this chapter of our lives"she writes... it is so true! I'm leaving a place that had been so key to fostering my spiritual growth and now i am here in a place where it is going to be well... really hard. Consider it pure joy when facing trials of many kinds. I prayed for suffering... and it's amazing how God answers that.
hmmm... but my roommate did not leave the entry like that, her next comment was to enter the next chapter with a desire for God and enthusiasm to serve Him. So i will take that advice...the advice from a dear friend.
And so begins the next chapter....

2006-04-08T18:28:00.000-07:00

I'm going to miss my time here at Briercrest. God has given me peace about leaving but there is certain things that i am really going to miss.

Top 10 things:

1. Classes with Carl Hinderager, took all 4 classes he teaches (pauline epistles, Gospels, Spiritual formation, and General Epistles) that man knows the word and teaches it with passion.
2. my roomate, her name is Karen but for the past 2 years ive called her nothing but "roomate". She is the perfect roomate....laid back... sarcastic...and a woman of real integrity.
3. The girls on my hall, im going to miss being able to hang out and spur one another on! Late night talks when we should being doing papers, sharing our passions and praying together etc.
4. class in general, seriously i have learned to dig into the word and apply it to my life from some of the most brilliant and godly men and women.
5. being in leadership, seriously as hard as it has been it has also been a blessing to be able to be an RA this year and to be able to watch God move in people and change things we had been praying for.
6. My mentor, Kathy Runnalls a wise woman indeed. I appreciate her oppenness to talk about ANYTHING. "God is good, indeed He is Faithful" - Kathy quote
7. The Library, honestly i know that's weird but any book that i woiuld ever want to read is here!
8. The missionaries, there are tons of inredible people here who love ht e Lord and have served and are continuing to serve Him overseas.. and seriously it is so cool to get to knw them.
9. The sky, seriously you don't see sky like this through the smog in Windsor

10. chapel, meeting together every morning for a time of praise and the Word... so good ... so good!

Oh bridal quest... how i will miss thee.

2006-04-08T13:28:00.000-07:00

Well i thought since I have been stalking for a while I should really join the band wagon of bloggers. Isn't this a new experience.